1. Sealed Off Sex:
*Lack of emotional connection
*Focus on own pleasure
*Focus on other's pleasure is primarily to reassure self of one's own sexual prowess &/or sexual desirability rather than care for the partner
*Can serve to disconnect from one's own emotions & vulnerability by objectifying the partner
*Either fear, shame, hurt, sadness or some combination are:
alive & well
often arise out of misunderstanding due to lack of attunement, lack of safety to explore & process, but primarily due to the belief that doing so is weak, shameful, & stupid
pushed down & escaped from through focus on pleasure & shallow reassurance of one's own fantasy (or reality) of sexual prowess &/or sexual desirability
2. Solace Sex:
*Emotional connection is not secure;
*Can be soothing & reassuring but feeling of reassurance doesn't last long
*Focus on pleasing the other & performing in attempt to gain partner's love and create greater security in the relationship
*Either Fear, shame, hurt, sadness or some combination are:
often (if not always) experienced
often go unexplored because of lack of feeling safe enough with partner
often arise out of misunderstanding due to lack of attunement & lack of safety to explore & process
3. Synchrony Sex:
*Expression of authentic, reciprocal intimacy
*Connection to one's own sexual pleasure, emotional experience & thoughts
*Attunement to partner's pleasure & emotional experience
*Attunement guides partner's giving, receiving & exploring
*Reinforces an already secure connection
*Couple's sexual expression can vary, depending on what the partners' desire in that moment. It can be tender, vulnerable, romantic, passionate, erotic or playful etc....
*Sexual interaction provides a safe haven and secure base for partners to heal and liberate partners from shame, fear, sadness & hurt.
Safe haven: a place to vulnerably turn to & receive reassurance. That reassurance has a healing effect & strengthens the emotional bond.
Secure base: a place from which to explore one's own & each other's emotional needs & sexual desires.
Please click this link for her full description.
Dr. Sue Johnson's 3 Kinds of Sex
*During sexual interaction, it is possible for partners to be experiencing a different kind of sex from the other or to be experiencing the same kind of sex
*In an insecure relationship partners can misread the kind of sex the other is experiencing during their sexual interaction