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1. Sealed Off Sex: 

*Lack of emotional connection


*Focus on own pleasure 


*Focus on other's pleasure is primarily to reassure self of one's own sexual prowess &/or sexual desirability rather than care for the partner


*Can serve to disconnect from one's own emotions & vulnerability by objectifying the partner


*Either fear, shame, hurt, sadness or some combination are:

  1. alive & well

  2. sometimes reinforced

  3. often arise out of misunderstanding due to lack of attunement, lack of safety to explore & process, but primarily due to the belief that doing so is weak, shameful, & stupid

  4. pushed down & escaped from through focus on pleasure & shallow reassurance of one's own fantasy (or reality) of sexual  prowess &/or sexual  desirability 


2. Solace Sex:  

*Emotional connection is not secure;


*Can be soothing & reassuring but feeling of reassurance doesn't last long


*Focus on pleasing the other & performing in attempt to gain partner's love and create greater security in the relationship


*Either Fear, shame, hurt, sadness or some combination are:


  1. often (if not always) experienced 

  2.  sometimes reinforced

  3. often go unexplored because of lack of feeling safe enough with partner

  4. often arise out of misunderstanding due to lack of attunement & lack of safety to explore & process


3. Synchrony Sex: 

*Expression of authentic, reciprocal intimacy


*Connection to one's own sexual pleasure, emotional experience & thoughts


*Attunement to partner's pleasure & emotional experience


*Attunement guides partner's giving, receiving & exploring 

*Reinforces an already secure connection

*Couple's sexual expression can vary, depending on what the partners' desire in that moment. It can be tender, vulnerable, romantic, passionate, erotic or playful etc....

*Sexual interaction provides a safe haven and secure base for partners to heal and liberate partners from shame, fear, sadness & hurt.  

  1.  Safe haven: a place to vulnerably turn to & receive reassurance. That reassurance has a healing effect & strengthens the emotional bond.

  2.  Secure base: a place from which to explore one's own & each other's emotional needs & sexual desires.


Please click this link for her full description.


Dr. Sue Johnson's 3 Kinds of Sex

*During sexual interaction, it is possible for partners to be experiencing a different kind of sex from the other or to be experiencing the same kind of sex


*In an insecure relationship partners can misread the kind of sex the other is experiencing during their sexual interaction

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